How I Really Feel About Working with Difficult Children

I have always enjoyed being around kids- even as a preteen when it wasn’t cool to admit that you didn’t hate having your best friend’s baby sister tag along. As an adult, I have a lot of experience with children in my personal and professional life. I think children are fascinating- their curiosity, their process of understanding and interacting with the world, and their innovation. However, there are some things that can be difficult to navigate when you’re working with someone that easily becomes emotionally dysregulated- as many children (and adults!) do.

What does it mean to be difficult?

First and foremost, I don’t actually have a negative association with difficult behavior. When I think of how “difficulty” applies to behavior, I think of instances when people are stubborn, aggressive, disengaged, or emotionally overstimulated. Like most people, I have had times where I’ve been difficult throughout my life. I have dug in my heels, reacted harshly to things, felt uninterested in participating in things expected of me, and have been so overstimulated I can’t see straight. My guess is that being difficult is just part of being a human. Some days we’re more flexible and amenable than others. Sometimes we’re hit with negative stimulation and might feel a little more sensitive or easily frustrated. As an adult we’re usually better at coping- or at least pretending to. As children, when we have a hard day, the world will know about it.

Working with “Difficult” Children

I have totally had those photography sessions when a child is not into it. It generally comes down to an unwillingness to participate. Maybe they’re scowling the entire time, or burrowing their face into their parent’s chest. Maybe they’re running away from the camera or flopping around (my son’s favorite go to). Maybe they’re trying to pretend like I’m not there, and are completely ignoring their parents prodding to take a picture. The trick about working with difficult behaviors is to catch it early, try something different, and basically try to stop chaos from ensuing. Which is what happens when a stressed out child stresses out their parents, and now we’re all stressed together.

I try to set us up for success before the session even starts. I send you a guide that talks about ways you can help your child prepare for the session. Sometimes, preparation and communication isn’t enough. That’s ok. If I notice that your child is frustrated I will suggest a break. Let’s get a snack, some water, and come back refreshed. If I notice your child is running away, flopping around, or ignoring the session, I will try to engage them in a different way. Maybe we’ll do some prompts that have more action and play. Maybe I’ll let them take a spin with the camera, or help me direct the parents for a minute or two. Maybe we’ll lean into it and I’ll have them pretend to be the floppiest worm, or run a their fastest speed, or even just take a second to show me their loudest scream. I also like screaming into the void when I’m frustrated. We can all scream together- it’s a great way to bond and lighten the mood.

Absolute worse case scenario, we’ve tried everything and nothing seems to be working to reengage your child. I will suggest rescheduling and trying again another day. I will not charge an additional deposit. I would much rather your child have a good time than to force photos that ultimately end in tears. It’s really not the worst thing to try again later.

How do I feel about working with difficult children?

Truthfully? I like working with difficult children much better than working with difficult adults. Children can usually be laughed out of a bad mood a easier. Even if they can’t, they’re scowls aren’t nearly as intimidating! On a serious note, I have a lot of compassion for the “difficult child”. I once was a very sensitive and shy little human. I had a lot of moments of frustration and instigating trouble with my siblings from being bored. Even just being in my own world sometimes got me in trouble for “not following instructions”. I know that my time with your family is the smallest glimpse into who you are and your dynamic. There is no judgement here when someone is having a bad day.

If I’m being very honest, the people pleaser in me will feel a little anxious about not curating the perfect experience for you. But then I remember to readjust my expectations, have some self-compassion, and do what I can to curate the best experience possible under the current emotional conditions. It might not be what we thought when you booked with me, but it doesn’t have to be bad.

Oh, no- the cake has fallen!

It’s ok, lil dude. I’d cry too.